The Gift of Life

...RIGHT

2008 has been the year of the baby boom. It seems like every other female from 14 - 40 is either pregnant or just given birth. And now, I going to be an aunt for the first time, two time over. My 20 year old brother got some girl pregnant who I have never met before, and my 18 little sister who claimed she was a lesbian is also pregnant. I found out the news today from mother. Every time I get one of these phone calls "Guess, who's pregnant?".... I feel like I should be getting the phone call "I have some terrible news". I am the only person that feels that these people are ruining their lives. What the hell?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm mostly scared for my sister. The end of this week I will be home because the semester is done. And I will talk to my sister... but talking to her is like talking to someone in a coma.

Pray for my sister....

Are you happy?

Two people asked me that this week.
Since when did people stopped saying "Hey, how's it going" and started asking "Are you happy?". I answered both of them "I'm fine". How else, am I supposed to answer that question. The truth is that I am both happy and I am sad, how is that possible, who cares.

Stranger in Moscow

...is what I'm listening to right now, one of my favorite MJ songs. I may be a little late but how do you allow yourself to transform into a creature. Everytime I see pictures of him, I cry inside because its such a damn shame.....

What the F*CK does this mean?

Girl lost

Throughout college I have made friendships that I hope will last way beyond these college days. I made one friend in particular the first week of school freshman year, Bianca. Bianca and I hit off from the start, she was the Cuban free spirited budhist wild child from the Bronx. She was so different and unique. Keeping up with her studies was hard for Bianca, it wasn't because she lacked intelligence but she lacked discipline (like many of us). So the end of our sophomore year, Bianca decided that she wouldnt come back to school because she was waisting time and money. Even though, she didn't have any help from family, she was bright eyed and hopeful that she could survive on her own. She did the next several months. She had got a job that paid pretty decent and she has her own apartment. Bianca was duing alright for herself. A couple of months after that, she told me that she met this guy at a show that she was backup dancing for.

***Flash Forward*** That guy moved in with her and his best friend, she quit that job, she got evicted for not being able to pay the rent, and he introduced her to heavy drugs. I got a phone call from her last night and she wanted me to come "party" with them and she is 5 months pregnant. I am so scared for her. A good friend of mine explained to me that she is grown and she makes her own decisions and there is nothing that I can do. I know this. But when you love someone, even in friendships, your mind doesn't always agree with your heart. I just want to take her in my arms and save her. But I can't.... these are the times I wish I was superhuman.

Welcome Back

The Bromance

Can men and women really be just friends? This is the age long question that I have been struggling with lately. I have many friends. A lot of them are still here and some are gone. But the ones that stay around longer are my male friends. And when I mean friend, I really mean friend and I don't mean my friend with benefits. I mean my friend who I can hand out with, have fun with, confide in, get advice from and vice versa. But lately a couple of my inter sexed friendships have become a little more difficult then in the past...
I have had one boy best friend Ethan, since I was 11 years old. I had a crush on him in high school. Then one night sophomore year of college, E called me up. He revealed his "feelings" for me and expressed that he has always been in love with me. I just brushed him off as joking around even though he repeatedly told me he was serious. E is the type of guy, that everything that he says sounds like he's lying. I was also in love with him and I wanted him to be serious. But I was more horrified what would happen between us if he was serious. We lost contact for about a year after that and when we finally did get back in contact he told me that he was expecting a baby from his girlfriend. I was CRUSHED and heart broken even though I was with John Tucker at the time. So from then on, I silently gave up my friendship with Ethan so he could start his new life with his new family.
Earlier in college, I became really close friends with Steven. When I first met Steven, he had a little thing for me. He even took me out on a date and brought me a rose. But I was not attracted to Steve and he would later introduce me to John Tucker. Even tho buddy ol' Steve and I were only friends and he was also JT's bff, he was the cause of alot of many of the reasons why JT and I would fight. Now that John Tucker and I are completely over, Steven and JT aren't really close friends anymore. Which makes me wonder now if Steve was really my friend and what were his real motives....
Then there's Paul. Paul has recently become my new best friend. I met him through a couple of my closest female friends. Paul and I hit it off from jump. When we first became friends we would be on the phone for hours. I love to be around Paul and he knows me better then some of my friends who have known me for years. There is an attraction there and I would probably pursue something more then friendship with Paul if it wasn't for the age difference and his lifestyle. So are we just friends?
James. Thank GOD for James. He has been my true platonic friend for about 3 years now. He's cool and my unbias opinion on male insight on alot of things.
And finally the reason why I wrote this blog, Nathan. See I have known Nate since high school but we became really close the beginning of college. We have been through alot together. Even though the dynamics of our relationship is to treat each other like we hate each other we really do love each other. The end of last semester Nate and I got into a huge fight and he told me that he couldn't be my friend anymore. He supplied with reasons that really didn't make any sense. So for the whole summer we didn't speak. Then the first day became in the fall, Nate calls me to hang out. When we met up, he acted as if he didn't end our friendship 3 months prior. But so I did I, because I just wanted my friend back. But lately he has been acting super weird with me. Last night he texted me and he asked me to sleep over. And when I didn't respond quickly enough because I was in another conversation he knocked on my door in his boxers. When I asked him why he did that, he said because he was lonely. Nate and I are not cuddle buddies and we never have been. I don't feel comfortable with making passes at me like that. And he been making a little comment or two, here there. And it makes me feel a slight bit uncomfortable. So is Nate trying to cross the line of being friendly?

Oh Lily....

Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me thereI know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain ust he first time that you introduced me to your friends and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you dono one in the world who could replace you
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and youIt seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

Dear, Freud

I had a very strange dream last night. I used to have sooooo many very peculiar dreams that could not keep up with my own dreams. But lately, when I wake up I can't seem to remember any of them, except for last night. A lil while back I had a crush on a friend of mine, who I don't really have a crush on him anymore. (My crushes come and go more often then I change my clothes, that's why I never take my crushes seriously). But my dream was not about my ex crush but about his best friend. I don't have any feelings for my ex crushes bff but platonic feelings since we all are friends. In my dream on the other hand... we had shared alot more then just feelings. We were not only dating but we were in love and everybody knew we were in love except my ex crush and we were trying to figure out the best way to tell him. We could not keep our hands off of each other and we had sex in my dream many many times. It was like a mini porn. I KNOW GROSS!!!!. But my dream felt so real. I really was in love with him in my dream and I felt every emotion physical and mental. It was crazy.....

'TIS THE SEASON

to be lonely.

This is going to be the longest coldest winter ever.

Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with the person that you love

What is your greatest fear?
Dieing slowly of a terminal disease

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Being irrational

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lying

Which living person do you most admire?
My mother

What is your greatest extravagance?
love

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Outside beauty

On, what occasion do you lie?
To get myself out of trouble

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My breasts are too big

Which living person do you most despise?
My mother

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"You're gay"
"B*tch"
"That's it"

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
John Tucker

When and where were you the happiest?
Me and my grandma was Christmas shopping when I was ten

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
To not wear my heart on my sleeve

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Growing up

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would it be?
A man

Where would you like to live?
Paris France

What is your most treasured possession?
My siblings

What is your favorite occupation?
Actor/ actress

What is your most marked characteristic?
Being able to listen, easy to talk to

What do you value most in your friends?
Loyalty

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
I always sided with the villains. Harley Quinn

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Joan of Arc

What is that you most dislike?
Stupidity and ignorance

What is your greatest regret?
Not applying myself more in college

How would you like to die?
Saving someone

What is your motto?
"Everything happens for a reason...."

Just Relax

and SMILE

Sometimes that's all we need to make our day just a lil bit better. So if you didn't get one today....

THIS IS JUST FOR YOU

PERFECT STRANGERS

This past year, my mother for the first time in my entire twenty something odd years of life, is trying to be my mother. Trying really hard to be my mother. And it freaks me out. It makes me angry and uncomfortable sometimes. She calls me at least once a week to check on me and she buys me random gifts like socks, sneakers and winter boots. Which any other normal child would be used to and wouldn't think twice about. But not me. I am not used to being taken care of. I always been the one to look after myself and make sure that I have everything that I need to survive, ever since the age of eleven. You see when my mother was pregnant with me, she was abusing drugs. When she gave birth to me she still was on drugs, so she was not the best fit parent. There was some sort of crazy custody battle between my grandmother (my mom's mom) and my mother. My grandmother "won". I remember these custody battles for years, because after I was born my mother had two more children in the span of five years. My grandmother had all three. I remember when my mother would visit us sometimes a few holidays here, couple of birthdays there and once or twice randomly in the middle. I called my grandmother "mommy". But when I turned eleven, something started happening to grandmother. She got really sick. And not the sick where you go take aspirin and go to bed early one night, wake up the next morning and you all better. But the kind of sick where each day there is new symptom and the old symptoms are getting worse. It got so bad that my "mommy" could not stand up anymore, she had headaches all the time, she was always dizzy and she could not eat. I had to take my 8 year old brother and 5 year old sister to school each day and pick them up. I had to clean and cook. I was the one who had to bathe my "mommy" and lift her to go to the bathroom because she could not stand on her. I did not go to school that year. And my mommy did not call 911 for a year in fear of what would happen to "us" the kids of anything happened to her because there was no one to take care of us. And my real mother was not there for this. One day, when my mommy forced me to go to school and take my city wide tests, I came back and my real mother was there. My mommy called her to come over, so she would be there when we came from school while my mommy was rushed to the hospital. My mommy was diagnosed with a tumor on her brain and it was found to be cancer. A year and half after that she died and I was forced to live with my aunt.
Nothing was the same after that. My aunt for many treated my sibling and I "different" from all the children in the family. I don't think that she did it purposely, but it hurt. And I basically took care of myself for all these years. And for many years, I hated and blamed my mother for all of the pain I suffered, the pain my siblings suffered and for my mommy not being alive. I have come to accept everything that has, happened in my life and I no longer hate my mother. BUT......

But I have been living a certain way for a really long time, how can I can change now? My mother wants me to be her baby girl, her daughter when I am an adult stranger. We got into a fight a couple of weeks ago and she was crying on the phone to me, telling me that I am cold to her. All I could say to her, this is who I am and I don't know what you want me to do. What I wanted to say to her was this is who I am and this is because of you. But I couldn't. I have seen her cry because of the guilt. I remember when I was about 15 or 16 she came in drunk and she asked me if I loved her and I told her that I didn't know. And that was the truth at that time. I didn't know if I loved her because I didn't know her to love her. I didn't want to make her cry again. I don't get pleasure from making her feel guilty. I actually feel guilty every time, I see the pain and guilt in her eyes. Because each time she looks at me she reminded of it.
SO....
What do I do?
Do I try to change me?
or..
Do I stay the same but hurt her as a result of that?

DAMN.....

HAPPINESS & BLUES

There might as well be beds in the library, because I am always here. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. I'm putting the finishing touches to my final project. The semester flew by fast. I can't say that I am not excited that the semester is coming to an end, because I need to be away from Purchase. But I'm also nervous. Nervous, because as quickly as the fall semester has came its damn near gone, so will the spring semester, so will May, so will graduation. This past weekend, while I was home in bed, sick the whole mini vacation, all I could think about was my life from now. This is the end of college and the beginning of forever... adulthood.

***SIDE NOTE***: As I am typing this blog, my heart begins to race, and there are butterflies in my stomach for no particular reason, until I look up. And there he is John Tucker (formally known as the heart breaker). We locked eyes but no words were spoke. He always seems to make sure he walks by me no matter where I sit. It's crazy that I can still feel him in the room, even when I don't know that he is actually there. So I guess this is what it means to fall in love, you heal but you will always have the scars. Strangley even tho our physical is no longer connected, some how our souls still are.

I am insane.

Sands of time

TIME IS TICKING.....
IT' ALMOST DONE
BUT IT ALSO HASN'T EVEN BEGUN YET

Ugg (the feeling not the boot)

One of the worst feelings in the world. Is the feeling of nothingness. Especially when a kiss feels like nothing. The other night, I kissed a guy who I have been on and off talking to for about 7 years. But we never made it serious or exclusive. We have kissed before, but this time I realized that he meant absolutely nothing to me. There were no sparks. No passion. No shivers up my spine. And I could not stop thinking. Now I am, no Aphrodite, but I do not think that anyone should be be thinking while they are kissing. All, I could think about was why am I even here. So, I stopped called a cab and left.
What happened to passion? The last time I had a real, make my knees weak, firecrackers bursting in the air and each kiss made me breathless was with my heartbreaker, who I shall rename John Tucker. Every other kiss that I have had after him have been meaningless. And what happened to just making out and being satisfied by waiting for more. I am horrified to even kiss someone because I feel that they are just going to think its the first step to fucking. And its not.

WILL YOU...

MARRY ME?

ummm yea, I was proposed to today.

I have one question...

for you.
Take your time. How you answer me is how you answer yourself.

Even with all the women, I bet you are still lonely.
Aren't you?

NOVEMBER 24

I just realized that today has made a year, since I have not been with you.

You want to know something, I miss US. And who we were with each other. The good times and the bad times. But I don't miss you. Because I don't know you anymore. And I haven't liked you in a long time.

AA?

On, a more serious note. I think that I may have a serious problem. I abuse alcohol. This past weekend, I got really drunk and I blacked out. I do not remember half of the night. This is not the first time that this happened to me. I tried to stop int he past. I did for a couple of weeks at a time. The longest was a couple of months, and that was only because my "heartbreaker" hated it when I drank. And he satisfied me more then the alcohol. But he is not a part of my life anymore and I began to drink again. But, I have become to hate myself. And hate who I become when I drink even though half the time I don't remember anything. I really want to stop drinking but I'm afraid that I am going to be tempted to once again. Especially with the holidays right around the corner. My whole family drinks, and in order for me to be around them while they are drinking, I am going to want to drink. And then when I go back to school, on the weekends in order for me to even go to any event on campus, I have to be drunk to even enjoy it. I really don't want to continue drinking, Even though I don't drink everyday, every weekend when I drink I get worse and worse. And it scares me. But I don't know who to talk to. And I am embarrassed.

Library Confessions

I am supposed to be writing a paper. I can't focus because I am doing what college students do best. PROCRASTINATE. So, I am on facebook. Since I have not logged on to facebook all weekend, I thought I would catch up. On my mini feed it said "7 of your friends have been tagged in the album". And guess who's album there were tagged in.... "the heartbreaker". So I was curious, and I decided to look through the album. And I look up and there he is "the heartbreaker" walking. My heart begins to race and I close the page before he gets to me. He walked the long way around the library, just he could pass by me. I know this for a fact because I am sitting all the way in the back, alone in a little corner. He comes up to me, kisses his fingers and then he puts his fingers on his cheek. I just shake my head. Inside, I am dying of relief, happy that he did not see me viewing his album.

I decided

That I am not that evil and I'm going to leave the poor girl alone.
I really don't care what any of them do.

It's been awhile...

I haven't been able to keep up with my thoughts long enough to write them down.
So I am going to try this...
All of these words represent my thoughts

happy
confused
friendship
place
jealous
love
lonliness
horny
tired...
but awake
I miss you

Dear, Diary

I think that I am pure evil. Well maybe not pure evil just like 40%. Even though, I am over he who shall not be named, his little play thing makes me sick. She swears that she is more then his current toy at the moment, and she talks about me, belittling my past relationship with her "boo". As if! Now I must admit that once upon time ago. I was a tad bit jealous of the relationship that I thought those two shared. It looked picture perfect, but what doesn't look that way on facebook? The worst thing to happen to her, was for me to find out what he does to her, how he treats her and most of all... have him prove to me that he misses me.
Now where does the evil part come in, you ask? Well I want to prove to her that she is not to him what she thinks she is. I want to prove that he only keeps her around because of his own boredom and she is the only one who does any and everything he asks of her. Without the slightest inkling to do the same for her.

Let the games begin.

P.S.

SODA MAKES MY NOSE FIZZLE

SODA GIVES ME THE GIGGLES

HEHEHEHEHE

Can you tell that I am in a good mood?

To You From Me

He loves me,

He loves me not,

Whether he does or doesn't, have or had... Today he made me realize that I just don't care anymore. I don't need him and I am no longer obsessed with the pain.

Thank You Heartbreaker

Unexpected Pleasure

(I'll keep you my dirty little secret)

When does the healing start?

Jill Scott is better then me at this:

I can't hold it in forever
Eventually I'd have to breathe
Done hid a lot behind the light, behind the wall
Now it's crushin in on meHow did I let it get this far?
How did I make this wrong turn?
How do I change a thing I've done?
Only one lesson learned
I can't pretend this hurts
Deeper than I imagined
What I did to a friend
I can't take it back in
How could I do a thing like that?
Where was my conscience at?[Somebody tell me](Tell me..)
In pain I really played my part[I know I did]
Now tell me where the healing starts[Ohhh]

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

No person thinks there is much ado about nothing when that ado is about themselves.

A+

I received my midterm that I took last week, A+. I needed that, maybe that will be the motivation that I need... so I can actually get my other work done.

Silent Screams

It sucks to be one of a hundred and still feel like one of none

Dear, Crush

Your company is tempting but my heart turns me away

Its a Catch 22...

Damned if I don't 

Damned if I do

STRESSED

1. Migraine for 2 days

2. My eye has been twitching since Thursday

3. Each day that passes more things to do 

MEN ALWAYS LEAVE

.... is the the name of the production that I am in. It is this week.

The other day I re-friended the mutual friend that me and my heartbreaker share. I missed him. Hey I know, I can be a sucker sometimes. I invited him to my play and I told him that he should bring my heart breaker because to be honest I think they would benefit from watching it. The mutual friend told me that my heart breaker would not go. So I told him that I would ask him (even though me and my heartbreaker do not even speak).

So today I seen him in the library. There was a chair next to him, so I sat down next to him. Something he would do to me. and I just looked at him. I smiled. He looked at me with an astonished looked and said "Wassup?" I still love him.  I looked into his eyes and I remembered all the reasons why I fell in love with him. That will never go away. EVER. But it doesn't hurt anymore.

So our conversation goes on.... he asked me did I key his car. I DIDN'T!!!! I have thought about it, though. When we first split but I did not have the balls to do the act. When he asked me did I do it, I felt bothered that he would even think I did it. And when I asked him how could he even ask me if I did it, he told me he would not put anything past me. OUCH! Like I am the one who did him wrong. SMH. I told him that I am not bitter and I have no reason to be angry. So I continued the conversation and told him the reason for me sitting down was to invite him to the production that I was in. He told me that he would try to attend it. And exchanged a couple of light lines that did not mean much. But then he told me that I am the reason why him and I do not speak anymore. Because the last day of "us", I had all of his belongings in a big garbage bag and I would not give him a hug goodbye.  Almost a year after our end, you tell me this bullshit?!?!?!?!?!?! I simply replied we don't speak not only because of me, but because of us. I told him that he did things to me that forced me to treat him that way. And that was it. Being the five year old he is he told me "that it was all your fault, and that was the last time I really spoke to you". I was not having an argument with him. I am not letting him suck me back into the game where he wins all the time. HELL, I am not playing games. I smiled and told him to get back to his work because I had to get back to mine. I walked away with a smile on my face. 

Family Ties

We don't chose our family. We are stuck with them. We are supposed to love them even if we don't like them. I never felt like I was liked by my family. Damn, half the time I don't even feel loved by them. The day my grandmother died and the day I moved in with my aunt was the day, family had a new meaning . I am the light skin black sheep of the family. I was the scapegoat for every one's anger, pain and aggression. So I vowed to graduate high school and go away to college. And I did. I went through years of mental and verbal abuse from my aunt and too many nights I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to die.

I went back "home" a couple of days ago to pick up my birth certificate from my aunt's house. My younger sister who is 17 still lives with my aunt. My brother who is a couple years younger then me moved out because he could not deal with the drama of my family. By my sister stayed. She dropped out of high school and she does not make any attempts to try to improve it. From an outsiders point of view, it may look as tho she is content with being ignorant. But who wants to stay that about their sister? When I go back to Brooklyn and I look at my sister she makes me feel guilty for leaving her there. My last visit there, my aunt told me that she cut her arm. I tried to talk to my sister and she told me that she hates me and I haven't been caring about her so why should I act like I care now.  What do I say to her? For years I have been trying to talk to her about her life, finishing school and just going down the right path. And all of the conversations ended up with her telling me that she does not care. Am I wrong for trying to better myself by going to college? Am I bad sister? Am I strong because I left my family that was bringing me down? Or am I weak because I could not bring my sister with me?

CELIBACY BLUES

Tuesday

I seen him three times today.
And I am fine.
Him = My Heartbreaker

I seen him three times today, he looked at me all three times and he smiled all three times. For the first time I did not want to crawl in a corner and die. And even though we locked eyes he did not walk away with a piece of me. I looked at him, knowing that he was a closed chapter in my book and I did not want to go back and re read. BUT, it does eat me up inside that we walk past one another as if we are perfect strangers. PERFECT STRANGERS, two completely opposite words of what we actually are to each other or were????? Damn. I want to say the Hello's, and the how you feelings's and the see you later's. But if we exchanged those phrases would they just be empty conversations and masks for the things that really should be said. And what foolish him does not realize is that I never stopped being his friend, I just stopped being his fool.

I guess he doesn't remember when he told me
"...So be finished if you want to. But I'm still going to treat you the same. That is what special about our relationship. That is one thing special about our relationship..."

It's not the same.

MORNING SUPRISE

This morning, after spending the night with my crush (and yes we ONLY slept), I do that from time to time. Sleepover. My crush had got up to use the bathroom. He looked down at me and said "Good morning Sleeping Beauty". That made me smile but my smile quickly went away. When he walked back out the room, I looked down and there was a spot of blood on the sheet where I was laying. I got my period. I started to silently freak out. So I grabbed the sheet off the bed, I got my stuff together with the sheet in my hand and I left without saying bye. I know this was kind of rude BUT what was I supposed to do? I could not let him see the soiled sheet or I could not let him see me walking out the door with the sheet in my hand. About 2O minutes later he texted me... "what happened?". Not knowing exactly what I should say I told him that I had alot of stuff to do so I just left so I can shower and get dressed. Sorry. He then replied back... "Did you take the sheet? lol". I told him no. I didn't want to lie but what the hell was I supposed to say. UGHHHHHH!I washed the sheet now I just got to bring the sheet back and have a good explanation. Now he is going to think I am some big weirdo. Great.

CAN THIS BE ANY MORE EMBARRASSING ?

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Have you ever felt the need to tell a friend something but didn't know if you should, didn't know how? 

There is something that I think that I should tell a friend but I do not know if it would ruin our relationship or her relationship with someone else....

I did not do anything to destroy my relationship with my friend but what I would tell her could...

I love my friends

I'm not complete

My 2nd tattoo. 

My mother told me that she liked it a lot. When she asked me what it meant..."I told her that this was my heart, I have grown a lot, and pieces of my life are fitting in, yet I'm not complete. I'm missing pieces". She replied... "That is deep and you are beautiful".

It took me 22 years to get this place with my mother. I have always loved her but I never liked her until now. 

Thoughts

Now more so then ever before everything in my life is stable.

Yet nothing seems to fit.

But nothing is really wrong. 

NEW YEARS EVE

For 9 days during winter break I will be here with my sister 

FRENEMY?

What do you do when the people who are supposed to be the closet to you start feeling like the most distant?

There's nothing that I fear more then loosing you as a friend.   

i LOVE you

(Well maybe CLOWNS)

Sister/Sister

A month ago, I found out that I had a sister from my father. I swear it was something out a movie. A month ago it was my birthday and I had a party to celebrate it. After the party was over, I was standing outside with everyone just talking. This kid that goes to school with me came up to me and asked me what my father's name was. Now my father died when I was 3 years old. When he died my mother and him was not really together. My father was heavily involved in illegal activities. My father and his brother came up here from Colombia, looking to make something of themselves. They became successful in what they did, although it was illegal. They did not come here with any family members. They had no green card. NOTHING. I never talk about my father because I do not know much about him. I don't even talk to my closest friends about him because there is nothing really to be said. So when the kid asked me what my father's name was, I didn't think much about it (being a lil bit intoxicated did not help either). So I told him his name. And when I told him his name. The kid immediately followed with the day my dad died, my uncle's name, and the place in Colombia he was born.  No one could possibly know this stuff without having a connection. So I started to freak out. And he told me that I had a sister who is 2 years younger then me which is his cousin. He noticed it last semester when he seen me on campus and I made a facial expression that reminded him of her. And me and her share the same last name. 

Trying to make a long story short.....

I met her this weekend for the first time. She is a wonderful person and her family is wonderful. They all welcomed me in. It's crazy how you just meet someone and you automatically love them. Although its a shame that there is 20 years that we will never get back from knowing each other. Everything has a time and a place. And I'm happy that I was able to meet her now when I could understand the situation better and appreciate her. 

IF HE ONLY KNEW....

but he doesn't 

My friend who I have been developing feelings for, went away for the weekend... and he came back with a new "someone" in his life.

I MISS HIM

Not the heart breaker....

But the mutual friend that me and the heart breaker once shared. This "friend" is how I met the heart breaker. But recently I cut all ties from this friend when he brought my heart breaker to my birthday party. I told myself for the final time on my birthday, that in order for me to get my life back together that I needed to cut all ties from my heart breaker. Our mutual friend being the strongest, longest, closest piece of rope. I have tried repeatedly in the past to "cut" this friend off, but you can not really just cut friends off, can you? He was my reminder, who kept me up to date with all that my heart breaker did, he was the "official middle man" for both my ex and myself. He always been the one to be put in the middle, he was usually the first one I would call when my ex pissed me off. Who else would I call, but one of his closest friends, because they are the ones that know him best. But now when I officially decided that I do not want and it is not healthy to keep these reminders of my heart breaker in my life that my friend needs not to be a presence in my life anymore. My friend and I got into an argument after my birthday.... and he told me straight up that he does not need to hear any anger from me a angry person and he has better things to worry about. And I must admit that he has never really been sensitive to my feelings.... and called me a drama queen, and angry.......

Now that I think about it.....

WHY DO I MISS HIM?

HAIR TODAY...GONE TOMORROW

The worst imaginable thing that can happen to any woman, happened to me this weekend. My hair started to fall out. FALL OUT!!!!! I know this may sound really shallow, but hear me out. A few months ago, I cut my hair into a short hair cut. I was trying to do something completely new to myself. I needed change in my life and detachment from who I was before. What better way to do something drastic....then to cut off all your hair. I got a lot of compliments on my the new look. But I was not really satisfied with my look. I tried to get my hair platinum blonde about a month ago, but that it came out yellow. So I waited about 2 weeks and I dyed my hair back to black. But I left a streak of blonde which I try to dye blue. Well it didn't turn blue, it turned green, so I immediately went to my hair dresser so could fix it and that was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. This Saturday, I decided that it would be a good idea to "relax" my hair because my hair was too thick for my liking. So I relaxed my hair. I left in for about 7 minutes. When I washed it out, all of this hair was coming out in the sink. Each time I ran my fingers through my hair, more and more hair came out. I began to panic inside. I didn't know what to do, my hair wouldn't stop falling out. I called my mother, she told me to put conditioner in it and come straight home so I could go to the salon in the morning. When I went to the salon the next day, my stylist reprimanded me for trying to do "at home salon treatment". So now I have this really short hair cut and you see alot of my face. I'm kind of self conscious, and six months ago long hair was my thing. So I am trying to adjust.....
But I got text today from this guy who I'm sort of very secretly talking to...
him: "You're SOOOOO sexy, and I just wanted to let you know that"

And that made my day.

HE WON

........he always does. And to think I thought I stopped playing a long time ago.

My dream foreshadowed what was to come today. He does have a hold over me. He knows it. I had lunch today with a friend. When we were leaving my heart breaker walked in. He walked in with a bunch of my guys friends. I just planned on ignoring him, like I usually do. He was with one of my friends in particular. When my friend kissed me on my cheek. My heart breaker motioned over repeatedly with his lips puckered for me to give him a kiss as well. Each time I he motioned, I pushed him away. Each time he came closer to me my heart beat faster and there were butterflies in my stomach doing the tango. I wanted to die. This can be viewed as such tiny incident to the spectators around, who are more then likely not even paying attention at all. But everything that I convinced myself that I did not feel anymore I felt. I immediately called my friend who has been my sanity and she explained to me that he thrives off of making people feel uncomfortable. I understand that. But why still do it to me? There is no need to. I want him to ignore me. I want him to forget me. I want him to forget us. And everything that involves me and him. So I can reassure myself that there is no reason for me to have any feelings for him. But when he continued to do things like this, it never fails. He gets the best and worst of me each time. Because there is the little voice in my head that tells me that "he still cares, he actually does love you". Then everything that I am feeling actually seems worth something and I convince myself that I am not dumb for feeling the way that I do.

How do I let go?

Sometimes dreams are just dreams....are they?

I woke up thinking that life is not fair. Now who wakes up with such thoughts... I DO. Its Sunday afternoon, the beginning of a new week then ending of a whole lot of weekend. I woke up from a dream that seemed like my longest dream ever. Which is weird because I always have wild, vivid dreams. But this one, this one was about my "heart breaker". Lately I have been happier, then I have been in two years. Even when I was with the heart breaker I wasn't truly happy, I had a lot of happy moments with him. He brought me to high that no drug could possibly bring me to, but he also brought me to a low more often then I was high.This dream was filled with feelings of reality surfaced around things that would only happen in a dream. My "heart breaker" was getting married to a female which whom in real life he had some recent relations with. In my dream I was hurt, jealous and still in love with him. All of the feelings you would have been reading....if I would have been writing a month earlier. But why now? When I actually had these unhealthy feeling for my unrequited love there was not a dream but now that I am happy he comes in and fucks everything up. I wake up thinking of him. Being hurt by him all over again. When he is not even a factor in my life anymore.

Now I can't help but to think am I really happy or am I masking what I am really feeling inside. And my subconscious just gave me a rude awakening....

So is this love or is this an addiction?

Ms. Clarkson always has a song that sums up what I am feeling..
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Do you believe in life after love?

Finally....I actually feel again. Or let me rephrase that, I feel beyond pain. My body isn't cold anymore. I don't have to be purposely numb. Better yet... I don't want to be purposely numb. I didn't think that I could get my heart out of solitude. "What happens after love?" Is what I kept thinking, hoping that I can answer it myself without looking for the answer in another person's experience. My answer. Life. Life is what happens after love. And that's the realest thing that I have ever learned.
I have a crush but it may be more then a crush. I am not sure yet. I haven't felt this way about someone since my heart breaker. The feelings are not the same like I had for my heart breaker when I first met him. And I am still pretty reluctant on actually liking someone. But I actually catch myself wondering what he is thinking about it and I get butterflies in my stomach when his name pops up on my phone. He's been my friend a little while now. And at first I was just flirting with him with no intentions of doing anything but flirting. But he has come to grow me. He is not intimidated by me (some people are) and I find that to be sexy. But there's a problem. He's stubborn, its almost impossible for him to actually share his feelings and he's everything that I would hate about a person if that person was not my friend.....
What do I do now?