HE WON

........he always does. And to think I thought I stopped playing a long time ago.

My dream foreshadowed what was to come today. He does have a hold over me. He knows it. I had lunch today with a friend. When we were leaving my heart breaker walked in. He walked in with a bunch of my guys friends. I just planned on ignoring him, like I usually do. He was with one of my friends in particular. When my friend kissed me on my cheek. My heart breaker motioned over repeatedly with his lips puckered for me to give him a kiss as well. Each time I he motioned, I pushed him away. Each time he came closer to me my heart beat faster and there were butterflies in my stomach doing the tango. I wanted to die. This can be viewed as such tiny incident to the spectators around, who are more then likely not even paying attention at all. But everything that I convinced myself that I did not feel anymore I felt. I immediately called my friend who has been my sanity and she explained to me that he thrives off of making people feel uncomfortable. I understand that. But why still do it to me? There is no need to. I want him to ignore me. I want him to forget me. I want him to forget us. And everything that involves me and him. So I can reassure myself that there is no reason for me to have any feelings for him. But when he continued to do things like this, it never fails. He gets the best and worst of me each time. Because there is the little voice in my head that tells me that "he still cares, he actually does love you". Then everything that I am feeling actually seems worth something and I convince myself that I am not dumb for feeling the way that I do.

How do I let go?