Silent Screams

It sucks to be one of a hundred and still feel like one of none

Dear, Crush

Your company is tempting but my heart turns me away

Its a Catch 22...

Damned if I don't 

Damned if I do

STRESSED

1. Migraine for 2 days

2. My eye has been twitching since Thursday

3. Each day that passes more things to do 

MEN ALWAYS LEAVE

.... is the the name of the production that I am in. It is this week.

The other day I re-friended the mutual friend that me and my heartbreaker share. I missed him. Hey I know, I can be a sucker sometimes. I invited him to my play and I told him that he should bring my heart breaker because to be honest I think they would benefit from watching it. The mutual friend told me that my heart breaker would not go. So I told him that I would ask him (even though me and my heartbreaker do not even speak).

So today I seen him in the library. There was a chair next to him, so I sat down next to him. Something he would do to me. and I just looked at him. I smiled. He looked at me with an astonished looked and said "Wassup?" I still love him.  I looked into his eyes and I remembered all the reasons why I fell in love with him. That will never go away. EVER. But it doesn't hurt anymore.

So our conversation goes on.... he asked me did I key his car. I DIDN'T!!!! I have thought about it, though. When we first split but I did not have the balls to do the act. When he asked me did I do it, I felt bothered that he would even think I did it. And when I asked him how could he even ask me if I did it, he told me he would not put anything past me. OUCH! Like I am the one who did him wrong. SMH. I told him that I am not bitter and I have no reason to be angry. So I continued the conversation and told him the reason for me sitting down was to invite him to the production that I was in. He told me that he would try to attend it. And exchanged a couple of light lines that did not mean much. But then he told me that I am the reason why him and I do not speak anymore. Because the last day of "us", I had all of his belongings in a big garbage bag and I would not give him a hug goodbye.  Almost a year after our end, you tell me this bullshit?!?!?!?!?!?! I simply replied we don't speak not only because of me, but because of us. I told him that he did things to me that forced me to treat him that way. And that was it. Being the five year old he is he told me "that it was all your fault, and that was the last time I really spoke to you". I was not having an argument with him. I am not letting him suck me back into the game where he wins all the time. HELL, I am not playing games. I smiled and told him to get back to his work because I had to get back to mine. I walked away with a smile on my face. 

Family Ties

We don't chose our family. We are stuck with them. We are supposed to love them even if we don't like them. I never felt like I was liked by my family. Damn, half the time I don't even feel loved by them. The day my grandmother died and the day I moved in with my aunt was the day, family had a new meaning . I am the light skin black sheep of the family. I was the scapegoat for every one's anger, pain and aggression. So I vowed to graduate high school and go away to college. And I did. I went through years of mental and verbal abuse from my aunt and too many nights I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to die.

I went back "home" a couple of days ago to pick up my birth certificate from my aunt's house. My younger sister who is 17 still lives with my aunt. My brother who is a couple years younger then me moved out because he could not deal with the drama of my family. By my sister stayed. She dropped out of high school and she does not make any attempts to try to improve it. From an outsiders point of view, it may look as tho she is content with being ignorant. But who wants to stay that about their sister? When I go back to Brooklyn and I look at my sister she makes me feel guilty for leaving her there. My last visit there, my aunt told me that she cut her arm. I tried to talk to my sister and she told me that she hates me and I haven't been caring about her so why should I act like I care now.  What do I say to her? For years I have been trying to talk to her about her life, finishing school and just going down the right path. And all of the conversations ended up with her telling me that she does not care. Am I wrong for trying to better myself by going to college? Am I bad sister? Am I strong because I left my family that was bringing me down? Or am I weak because I could not bring my sister with me?

CELIBACY BLUES

Tuesday

I seen him three times today.
And I am fine.
Him = My Heartbreaker

I seen him three times today, he looked at me all three times and he smiled all three times. For the first time I did not want to crawl in a corner and die. And even though we locked eyes he did not walk away with a piece of me. I looked at him, knowing that he was a closed chapter in my book and I did not want to go back and re read. BUT, it does eat me up inside that we walk past one another as if we are perfect strangers. PERFECT STRANGERS, two completely opposite words of what we actually are to each other or were????? Damn. I want to say the Hello's, and the how you feelings's and the see you later's. But if we exchanged those phrases would they just be empty conversations and masks for the things that really should be said. And what foolish him does not realize is that I never stopped being his friend, I just stopped being his fool.

I guess he doesn't remember when he told me
"...So be finished if you want to. But I'm still going to treat you the same. That is what special about our relationship. That is one thing special about our relationship..."

It's not the same.

MORNING SUPRISE

This morning, after spending the night with my crush (and yes we ONLY slept), I do that from time to time. Sleepover. My crush had got up to use the bathroom. He looked down at me and said "Good morning Sleeping Beauty". That made me smile but my smile quickly went away. When he walked back out the room, I looked down and there was a spot of blood on the sheet where I was laying. I got my period. I started to silently freak out. So I grabbed the sheet off the bed, I got my stuff together with the sheet in my hand and I left without saying bye. I know this was kind of rude BUT what was I supposed to do? I could not let him see the soiled sheet or I could not let him see me walking out the door with the sheet in my hand. About 2O minutes later he texted me... "what happened?". Not knowing exactly what I should say I told him that I had alot of stuff to do so I just left so I can shower and get dressed. Sorry. He then replied back... "Did you take the sheet? lol". I told him no. I didn't want to lie but what the hell was I supposed to say. UGHHHHHH!I washed the sheet now I just got to bring the sheet back and have a good explanation. Now he is going to think I am some big weirdo. Great.

CAN THIS BE ANY MORE EMBARRASSING ?

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Have you ever felt the need to tell a friend something but didn't know if you should, didn't know how? 

There is something that I think that I should tell a friend but I do not know if it would ruin our relationship or her relationship with someone else....

I did not do anything to destroy my relationship with my friend but what I would tell her could...

I love my friends

I'm not complete

My 2nd tattoo. 

My mother told me that she liked it a lot. When she asked me what it meant..."I told her that this was my heart, I have grown a lot, and pieces of my life are fitting in, yet I'm not complete. I'm missing pieces". She replied... "That is deep and you are beautiful".

It took me 22 years to get this place with my mother. I have always loved her but I never liked her until now. 

Thoughts

Now more so then ever before everything in my life is stable.

Yet nothing seems to fit.

But nothing is really wrong. 

NEW YEARS EVE

For 9 days during winter break I will be here with my sister 

FRENEMY?

What do you do when the people who are supposed to be the closet to you start feeling like the most distant?

There's nothing that I fear more then loosing you as a friend.   

i LOVE you

(Well maybe CLOWNS)

Sister/Sister

A month ago, I found out that I had a sister from my father. I swear it was something out a movie. A month ago it was my birthday and I had a party to celebrate it. After the party was over, I was standing outside with everyone just talking. This kid that goes to school with me came up to me and asked me what my father's name was. Now my father died when I was 3 years old. When he died my mother and him was not really together. My father was heavily involved in illegal activities. My father and his brother came up here from Colombia, looking to make something of themselves. They became successful in what they did, although it was illegal. They did not come here with any family members. They had no green card. NOTHING. I never talk about my father because I do not know much about him. I don't even talk to my closest friends about him because there is nothing really to be said. So when the kid asked me what my father's name was, I didn't think much about it (being a lil bit intoxicated did not help either). So I told him his name. And when I told him his name. The kid immediately followed with the day my dad died, my uncle's name, and the place in Colombia he was born.  No one could possibly know this stuff without having a connection. So I started to freak out. And he told me that I had a sister who is 2 years younger then me which is his cousin. He noticed it last semester when he seen me on campus and I made a facial expression that reminded him of her. And me and her share the same last name. 

Trying to make a long story short.....

I met her this weekend for the first time. She is a wonderful person and her family is wonderful. They all welcomed me in. It's crazy how you just meet someone and you automatically love them. Although its a shame that there is 20 years that we will never get back from knowing each other. Everything has a time and a place. And I'm happy that I was able to meet her now when I could understand the situation better and appreciate her. 

IF HE ONLY KNEW....

but he doesn't 

My friend who I have been developing feelings for, went away for the weekend... and he came back with a new "someone" in his life.

I MISS HIM

Not the heart breaker....

But the mutual friend that me and the heart breaker once shared. This "friend" is how I met the heart breaker. But recently I cut all ties from this friend when he brought my heart breaker to my birthday party. I told myself for the final time on my birthday, that in order for me to get my life back together that I needed to cut all ties from my heart breaker. Our mutual friend being the strongest, longest, closest piece of rope. I have tried repeatedly in the past to "cut" this friend off, but you can not really just cut friends off, can you? He was my reminder, who kept me up to date with all that my heart breaker did, he was the "official middle man" for both my ex and myself. He always been the one to be put in the middle, he was usually the first one I would call when my ex pissed me off. Who else would I call, but one of his closest friends, because they are the ones that know him best. But now when I officially decided that I do not want and it is not healthy to keep these reminders of my heart breaker in my life that my friend needs not to be a presence in my life anymore. My friend and I got into an argument after my birthday.... and he told me straight up that he does not need to hear any anger from me a angry person and he has better things to worry about. And I must admit that he has never really been sensitive to my feelings.... and called me a drama queen, and angry.......

Now that I think about it.....

WHY DO I MISS HIM?

HAIR TODAY...GONE TOMORROW

The worst imaginable thing that can happen to any woman, happened to me this weekend. My hair started to fall out. FALL OUT!!!!! I know this may sound really shallow, but hear me out. A few months ago, I cut my hair into a short hair cut. I was trying to do something completely new to myself. I needed change in my life and detachment from who I was before. What better way to do something drastic....then to cut off all your hair. I got a lot of compliments on my the new look. But I was not really satisfied with my look. I tried to get my hair platinum blonde about a month ago, but that it came out yellow. So I waited about 2 weeks and I dyed my hair back to black. But I left a streak of blonde which I try to dye blue. Well it didn't turn blue, it turned green, so I immediately went to my hair dresser so could fix it and that was about 2 1/2 weeks ago. This Saturday, I decided that it would be a good idea to "relax" my hair because my hair was too thick for my liking. So I relaxed my hair. I left in for about 7 minutes. When I washed it out, all of this hair was coming out in the sink. Each time I ran my fingers through my hair, more and more hair came out. I began to panic inside. I didn't know what to do, my hair wouldn't stop falling out. I called my mother, she told me to put conditioner in it and come straight home so I could go to the salon in the morning. When I went to the salon the next day, my stylist reprimanded me for trying to do "at home salon treatment". So now I have this really short hair cut and you see alot of my face. I'm kind of self conscious, and six months ago long hair was my thing. So I am trying to adjust.....
But I got text today from this guy who I'm sort of very secretly talking to...
him: "You're SOOOOO sexy, and I just wanted to let you know that"

And that made my day.