Reflection of an Image

Most of the time what you hate about other people is what you love about yourself.

Or maybe it's what you (hate) about yourself, too.

Maybe...

SPACE

Is something that we either constantly are trying to fill or trying to find. Like with most things people aren't ever satisfied when they find the space they were searching for or when they get something to fill the void that they thought they had. These past few weeks I have been evaluating what I want and how that affects the people around me. And what other people want and how that affects me. Everything is relation to space.
How do you know when its too much or not enough?

DIFFERENCES

Empty

I'm feeling as hollow as this glass.....

What am I to do?

Last night, I believe had a minor nervous breakdown. After my rehearsal for my show on Friday. I tried to call my sister again who has called me twice in the past two days. Which is odd because my sister NEVER calls me. The first time she called me, I asked her how she was doing and she said she was fine. I then asked if she was ok, and she told me yes. We stayed on the phone for about 5 minutes. Right after we hung up, I called her right back and asked if she was ok, and she told me yes again. I asked if she was sure. She said yes. Something did not seem right, but since she said everything was fine I let her be. She told me recently that I don't treat as if she was an adult. So I am trying to give her freedom. So last night she calls me again. As soon as I see the number I realize that something is up. I pick up the phone and my sister is crying. After many attempts of her telling me nothing is wrong she then tells me her girlfriend. And my sister tells me that she is crying in the staircase, but she would not tell me what exactly happened. Then I hear that her girlfriend came, my sister and her girlfriend start argueing. My sister is screaming "this is why I cut myself and I hope I die". The phone hangs up. I tried calling back like 10 times no answer. Then her phone is going straight to voicemail.
I call my brother who is in Brooklyn and I tell him to go to my sister if shes ok, and hes sick and cant get out the bed. He thinks he has pneumonia. My mother calls me and tells me she can't come here this weekend because my brother is sick and he can't watch my littler siblings. And she's crying because she's telling me she's broke and really stressed balancing everything.
I'm dealing with my classes, graduation is less then 4 months, I am scared for my sister, I can't help my mother...
I am falling apart. Last night I couldn't stop crying. I was alone in the apartment. I wasn't even strong enough to pick up the phone to talk to a friend. I cried myself to sleep. Everything around me is falling apart. And I can't stick anything back together. Then I woke up this morning, to go to my 10 30 class which I had an exam for.

Lazyness

I have been lazy once again friend...
brief recap....

Vagina Monologues Friday Feb. 20, 2009
I got a job lasted a week, then quit
Still haven't decided about after graduation plans.
All of the previous love mushy blogs... pssst.. I am so over that. I just rather be single.

Employment

found...

Thank God

DESPERATELY SEEKING...

My Vajayjay

My vajayjay will be in this year's production of Vagina Monologues. I seen it for the first time last year and ever since then I knew that I had to be apart of the experience. And now I am. I am so excited WOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

BLISS

Since the last time I dropped a word, many things have happened. I am back at this "poor choice" of a college, I auditioned for Vagina Monologues and I am in love.

After being "just friends" for a year. We decided that we were torturing ourselves by not admitting our feelings. He makes me genuinely happy. And I just want to do the same thing for him. I am truly happy.

I've decided

WEAK

I thought the hard part was actually admitting how I felt. That was only the battle and I don't even think that I am ready for the war. But it seems more like I'm fighting myself then anything else. What happened to the simple days when you wrote on a piece of composition notebook paper... "Do you like me? Check only one box [] yes OR [] no". Then you gave it to your bff to deliver to your secret crush. And BAM!!!! you had a boyfriend for that week.
Tonight the "Joker" and I finally admitted to each other how we felt. The aftermath of it all has me more confused now, than when I was in denial about my feelings.
After all was said, nothing was decided.
And we ended the conversation with good nights... nothing more or nothing less.

They say "anything worth having is worth fighting for".
But what happens when the fighting isn't the problem, but trying to figure out what you want is?

Blue

I recently changed the layout of this blog. Black didn't quite fit my page or my mood anymore. No more darkness.

And who said feeling blue had to be a bad thing?

Here I Stand

I have been struggling with this for awhile. The true feelings that I have for you. We became close friends so fast and to think when we first met you were sitting in my room and I didn't say two words to you. Now I can't get rid of you. The truth is I can't get you out of my head and when I'm with you I am so happy. You bring out a part of me that I thought I was gone along time ago. But you found her again. And that scares me so much that I try to convince myself so many reasons why I didn't feel this way, shouldn't feel this way or couldn't feel this way. The other night when you expressed that you felt nothing for the "chick", I was relieved. And then you told me you couldn't stop thinking about me when you was with her, I wanted you to tell me that but at the same time I was scared it was going to change "us". My first instinct was to just push you away but then I realized if I kept pushing you away, sooner or later you are going to go. And I don't know if I could risk that, again. I am not sure where this brings us now, I am not even sue if I am ready to go beyond what we have now but what I do know is that I care deeply for you. And you deserve nothing less but to know that.

Do I have what it takes....

To be a Playmate?

It sounds a bit crazy but in May, Playboy will be holding casting calls for new Playmates. And I'm going to audition. You only live once, right?

How I could be so Heartless?

In a few days I will be back at school. I have been on vacation for a month. I have not wore real clothes (just sweats, pj's, wifebeaters and boyshorts) in I don't know how long. I have done absolutely nothing, not even partying. This is the definition of a real vacation. Lazyful bliss.

Since, I have been in my mother's house the entire vacation. I haven't been to my aunt's house (my other home) on the other side of town. I really don't want to go over there but I know they are having certain feelings about me not paying a visit. But they are always filled with judgement, hate, phoniness and anger. Do you blame me for not going over there? I just don't want to surround myself around sad people who are just going to bring me down even if they are my blood relatives.

Maybe I will pay a visit this weekend..... MAY THE FUCK BE....

Parting is not such sweet sorrow

Shantay has been my best friend for ten years. We have been through alot ...girl fights, boyfriends, loss of innocence, death and graduating high school. She has known me better then alot of people. At one point she knew me better then I have known myself but now she has become one of the people who knows me the least. And I am perfectly fine with that. People change. Its inevitable. We grow and once we stop growing we die. Sometimes on the outside and sometimes we die on the inside. Shantay and I both have grown to become beautiful women but after high school we went our separate ways and that led us not to grow up with each other. She stayed home and commuted to a private college in the city. I chose to go away to school. As time passed we hung out less, phone calls became scarce and conversations became brief and artificial because neither of us knew each other. She tried to hold on to something that I knew that was not there anymore; longer then I held on.
Last year, she revealed some distress to me about our friendship. Telling me that we need to work on our friendship. Then a couple of days a go, I receive a text that says "Hey friend, Its the New Year. I was wondering how do you feel about our friendship because I don't think anything has changed."
It bothered me because 1, she should of called me and 2 we had this conversation a year ago. And I am a person who does not need to speak someone everyday to know that they are there and they are my friend or apart of my surrogate family. Why can't she trust in us and know that no matter what I will be there for her. It is not like our friendship just began to diminish but this has been going for four years. What does she expect me to do? I don't want to cut her off completely because she has been such a good friend to me and we did nothing to hurt each other. But I don't want to force something that is not there either.

Am I cold-hearted?

Easy Does It

The other night I had a conversation with a new friend of mine. This conversation has stuck in my head and me thinking alot about myself, my friends and all of the people that I have yet to meet. We were discussing this past year and he brought up the topic of romantic relationships that he had this year. He stated that he dated about ten females none of which really worked out and the age range was rather broad. It was from 18 -36 which seems more like some sort of statistical bracket then a dating range that this 27 yr old man would have.
The 18 year old that he dated intrigued me the most. Especially because of a theory of my own that I have "Older man like younger females". I told my friend my theory and jokingly he replied "I do like younger females, but not on a Hugh Hefner status". But there is always truth behind a joke. He then explained to me that out of the ten mini relationships he had that the one he shared with the 18 year old was the best and the one with the 36 year old one was the worst. And the scale of greatness to wackness depleted as the women got older. He said that he enjoyed Miss Barely Legal because she was simple, eager to learn about life, fun, energetic and did not have baggage. The only real reason why he is still not with her is because his life and work got real busy and sort chaotic therefore he did not have time for a relationship. Although, I believe that there is more to that story. But anyway, the 36 year old he explained was pretentious, rude, complicated and had too way too much baggage more than anyone should be carrying.
My friend like alot of men, prefer the simple girls versus us not as pliable women. Pliable because complicated is not the term that best describes myself or most of my female friends. We are young women who are intelligent, strong, beautiful and confident. That does not mean that we will argue or challenge every and anything that man says to us, just that we will not sit back and compromise ourselves for anyone else.

May 15, 2009.

Commencement
aka
Graduation
aka
The end of an era
aka
The beginning of forever
aka
SCARED AS FUCK

WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

Unrequited

I'm in love.
Not a crush, not in like. LOVE

He makes me so happy. Too bad he can never know.

And being just friends with someone is like a bizzare form of self torture.

Although, I will never unbottle these feelings, I have been the happiest I have been in such a long time.

WHY IS IT SO EASY TO GET NAKED ONE WAY AND NOT THE OTHER?

WORDS OF WISDOM

HAPPINESS IS AS HAPPINESS DOES

(lighten up, life is not all that bad)

2009 Thus Far...

My dearest blog, I am so sorry that I have been neglecting you but it is all for a good reason. FAMILY.

I spent New Years Eve drinking some bubbley with the moms. As a matter of fact we have been drinking champagne everyday since New Years... my new addiction.