The Gift of Life

...RIGHT

2008 has been the year of the baby boom. It seems like every other female from 14 - 40 is either pregnant or just given birth. And now, I going to be an aunt for the first time, two time over. My 20 year old brother got some girl pregnant who I have never met before, and my 18 little sister who claimed she was a lesbian is also pregnant. I found out the news today from mother. Every time I get one of these phone calls "Guess, who's pregnant?".... I feel like I should be getting the phone call "I have some terrible news". I am the only person that feels that these people are ruining their lives. What the hell?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm mostly scared for my sister. The end of this week I will be home because the semester is done. And I will talk to my sister... but talking to her is like talking to someone in a coma.

Pray for my sister....

Are you happy?

Two people asked me that this week.
Since when did people stopped saying "Hey, how's it going" and started asking "Are you happy?". I answered both of them "I'm fine". How else, am I supposed to answer that question. The truth is that I am both happy and I am sad, how is that possible, who cares.

Stranger in Moscow

...is what I'm listening to right now, one of my favorite MJ songs. I may be a little late but how do you allow yourself to transform into a creature. Everytime I see pictures of him, I cry inside because its such a damn shame.....

What the F*CK does this mean?

Girl lost

Throughout college I have made friendships that I hope will last way beyond these college days. I made one friend in particular the first week of school freshman year, Bianca. Bianca and I hit off from the start, she was the Cuban free spirited budhist wild child from the Bronx. She was so different and unique. Keeping up with her studies was hard for Bianca, it wasn't because she lacked intelligence but she lacked discipline (like many of us). So the end of our sophomore year, Bianca decided that she wouldnt come back to school because she was waisting time and money. Even though, she didn't have any help from family, she was bright eyed and hopeful that she could survive on her own. She did the next several months. She had got a job that paid pretty decent and she has her own apartment. Bianca was duing alright for herself. A couple of months after that, she told me that she met this guy at a show that she was backup dancing for.

***Flash Forward*** That guy moved in with her and his best friend, she quit that job, she got evicted for not being able to pay the rent, and he introduced her to heavy drugs. I got a phone call from her last night and she wanted me to come "party" with them and she is 5 months pregnant. I am so scared for her. A good friend of mine explained to me that she is grown and she makes her own decisions and there is nothing that I can do. I know this. But when you love someone, even in friendships, your mind doesn't always agree with your heart. I just want to take her in my arms and save her. But I can't.... these are the times I wish I was superhuman.

Welcome Back

The Bromance

Can men and women really be just friends? This is the age long question that I have been struggling with lately. I have many friends. A lot of them are still here and some are gone. But the ones that stay around longer are my male friends. And when I mean friend, I really mean friend and I don't mean my friend with benefits. I mean my friend who I can hand out with, have fun with, confide in, get advice from and vice versa. But lately a couple of my inter sexed friendships have become a little more difficult then in the past...
I have had one boy best friend Ethan, since I was 11 years old. I had a crush on him in high school. Then one night sophomore year of college, E called me up. He revealed his "feelings" for me and expressed that he has always been in love with me. I just brushed him off as joking around even though he repeatedly told me he was serious. E is the type of guy, that everything that he says sounds like he's lying. I was also in love with him and I wanted him to be serious. But I was more horrified what would happen between us if he was serious. We lost contact for about a year after that and when we finally did get back in contact he told me that he was expecting a baby from his girlfriend. I was CRUSHED and heart broken even though I was with John Tucker at the time. So from then on, I silently gave up my friendship with Ethan so he could start his new life with his new family.
Earlier in college, I became really close friends with Steven. When I first met Steven, he had a little thing for me. He even took me out on a date and brought me a rose. But I was not attracted to Steve and he would later introduce me to John Tucker. Even tho buddy ol' Steve and I were only friends and he was also JT's bff, he was the cause of alot of many of the reasons why JT and I would fight. Now that John Tucker and I are completely over, Steven and JT aren't really close friends anymore. Which makes me wonder now if Steve was really my friend and what were his real motives....
Then there's Paul. Paul has recently become my new best friend. I met him through a couple of my closest female friends. Paul and I hit it off from jump. When we first became friends we would be on the phone for hours. I love to be around Paul and he knows me better then some of my friends who have known me for years. There is an attraction there and I would probably pursue something more then friendship with Paul if it wasn't for the age difference and his lifestyle. So are we just friends?
James. Thank GOD for James. He has been my true platonic friend for about 3 years now. He's cool and my unbias opinion on male insight on alot of things.
And finally the reason why I wrote this blog, Nathan. See I have known Nate since high school but we became really close the beginning of college. We have been through alot together. Even though the dynamics of our relationship is to treat each other like we hate each other we really do love each other. The end of last semester Nate and I got into a huge fight and he told me that he couldn't be my friend anymore. He supplied with reasons that really didn't make any sense. So for the whole summer we didn't speak. Then the first day became in the fall, Nate calls me to hang out. When we met up, he acted as if he didn't end our friendship 3 months prior. But so I did I, because I just wanted my friend back. But lately he has been acting super weird with me. Last night he texted me and he asked me to sleep over. And when I didn't respond quickly enough because I was in another conversation he knocked on my door in his boxers. When I asked him why he did that, he said because he was lonely. Nate and I are not cuddle buddies and we never have been. I don't feel comfortable with making passes at me like that. And he been making a little comment or two, here there. And it makes me feel a slight bit uncomfortable. So is Nate trying to cross the line of being friendly?

Oh Lily....

Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me thereI know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain ust he first time that you introduced me to your friends and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you dono one in the world who could replace you
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and youIt seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if for only one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

Dear, Freud

I had a very strange dream last night. I used to have sooooo many very peculiar dreams that could not keep up with my own dreams. But lately, when I wake up I can't seem to remember any of them, except for last night. A lil while back I had a crush on a friend of mine, who I don't really have a crush on him anymore. (My crushes come and go more often then I change my clothes, that's why I never take my crushes seriously). But my dream was not about my ex crush but about his best friend. I don't have any feelings for my ex crushes bff but platonic feelings since we all are friends. In my dream on the other hand... we had shared alot more then just feelings. We were not only dating but we were in love and everybody knew we were in love except my ex crush and we were trying to figure out the best way to tell him. We could not keep our hands off of each other and we had sex in my dream many many times. It was like a mini porn. I KNOW GROSS!!!!. But my dream felt so real. I really was in love with him in my dream and I felt every emotion physical and mental. It was crazy.....

'TIS THE SEASON

to be lonely.

This is going to be the longest coldest winter ever.

Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with the person that you love

What is your greatest fear?
Dieing slowly of a terminal disease

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Being irrational

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Lying

Which living person do you most admire?
My mother

What is your greatest extravagance?
love

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Outside beauty

On, what occasion do you lie?
To get myself out of trouble

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My breasts are too big

Which living person do you most despise?
My mother

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"You're gay"
"B*tch"
"That's it"

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
John Tucker

When and where were you the happiest?
Me and my grandma was Christmas shopping when I was ten

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
To not wear my heart on my sleeve

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Growing up

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would it be?
A man

Where would you like to live?
Paris France

What is your most treasured possession?
My siblings

What is your favorite occupation?
Actor/ actress

What is your most marked characteristic?
Being able to listen, easy to talk to

What do you value most in your friends?
Loyalty

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
I always sided with the villains. Harley Quinn

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Joan of Arc

What is that you most dislike?
Stupidity and ignorance

What is your greatest regret?
Not applying myself more in college

How would you like to die?
Saving someone

What is your motto?
"Everything happens for a reason...."

Just Relax

and SMILE

Sometimes that's all we need to make our day just a lil bit better. So if you didn't get one today....

THIS IS JUST FOR YOU

PERFECT STRANGERS

This past year, my mother for the first time in my entire twenty something odd years of life, is trying to be my mother. Trying really hard to be my mother. And it freaks me out. It makes me angry and uncomfortable sometimes. She calls me at least once a week to check on me and she buys me random gifts like socks, sneakers and winter boots. Which any other normal child would be used to and wouldn't think twice about. But not me. I am not used to being taken care of. I always been the one to look after myself and make sure that I have everything that I need to survive, ever since the age of eleven. You see when my mother was pregnant with me, she was abusing drugs. When she gave birth to me she still was on drugs, so she was not the best fit parent. There was some sort of crazy custody battle between my grandmother (my mom's mom) and my mother. My grandmother "won". I remember these custody battles for years, because after I was born my mother had two more children in the span of five years. My grandmother had all three. I remember when my mother would visit us sometimes a few holidays here, couple of birthdays there and once or twice randomly in the middle. I called my grandmother "mommy". But when I turned eleven, something started happening to grandmother. She got really sick. And not the sick where you go take aspirin and go to bed early one night, wake up the next morning and you all better. But the kind of sick where each day there is new symptom and the old symptoms are getting worse. It got so bad that my "mommy" could not stand up anymore, she had headaches all the time, she was always dizzy and she could not eat. I had to take my 8 year old brother and 5 year old sister to school each day and pick them up. I had to clean and cook. I was the one who had to bathe my "mommy" and lift her to go to the bathroom because she could not stand on her. I did not go to school that year. And my mommy did not call 911 for a year in fear of what would happen to "us" the kids of anything happened to her because there was no one to take care of us. And my real mother was not there for this. One day, when my mommy forced me to go to school and take my city wide tests, I came back and my real mother was there. My mommy called her to come over, so she would be there when we came from school while my mommy was rushed to the hospital. My mommy was diagnosed with a tumor on her brain and it was found to be cancer. A year and half after that she died and I was forced to live with my aunt.
Nothing was the same after that. My aunt for many treated my sibling and I "different" from all the children in the family. I don't think that she did it purposely, but it hurt. And I basically took care of myself for all these years. And for many years, I hated and blamed my mother for all of the pain I suffered, the pain my siblings suffered and for my mommy not being alive. I have come to accept everything that has, happened in my life and I no longer hate my mother. BUT......

But I have been living a certain way for a really long time, how can I can change now? My mother wants me to be her baby girl, her daughter when I am an adult stranger. We got into a fight a couple of weeks ago and she was crying on the phone to me, telling me that I am cold to her. All I could say to her, this is who I am and I don't know what you want me to do. What I wanted to say to her was this is who I am and this is because of you. But I couldn't. I have seen her cry because of the guilt. I remember when I was about 15 or 16 she came in drunk and she asked me if I loved her and I told her that I didn't know. And that was the truth at that time. I didn't know if I loved her because I didn't know her to love her. I didn't want to make her cry again. I don't get pleasure from making her feel guilty. I actually feel guilty every time, I see the pain and guilt in her eyes. Because each time she looks at me she reminded of it.
SO....
What do I do?
Do I try to change me?
or..
Do I stay the same but hurt her as a result of that?

DAMN.....

HAPPINESS & BLUES

There might as well be beds in the library, because I am always here. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now. I'm putting the finishing touches to my final project. The semester flew by fast. I can't say that I am not excited that the semester is coming to an end, because I need to be away from Purchase. But I'm also nervous. Nervous, because as quickly as the fall semester has came its damn near gone, so will the spring semester, so will May, so will graduation. This past weekend, while I was home in bed, sick the whole mini vacation, all I could think about was my life from now. This is the end of college and the beginning of forever... adulthood.

***SIDE NOTE***: As I am typing this blog, my heart begins to race, and there are butterflies in my stomach for no particular reason, until I look up. And there he is John Tucker (formally known as the heart breaker). We locked eyes but no words were spoke. He always seems to make sure he walks by me no matter where I sit. It's crazy that I can still feel him in the room, even when I don't know that he is actually there. So I guess this is what it means to fall in love, you heal but you will always have the scars. Strangley even tho our physical is no longer connected, some how our souls still are.

I am insane.