HE WON

........he always does. And to think I thought I stopped playing a long time ago.

My dream foreshadowed what was to come today. He does have a hold over me. He knows it. I had lunch today with a friend. When we were leaving my heart breaker walked in. He walked in with a bunch of my guys friends. I just planned on ignoring him, like I usually do. He was with one of my friends in particular. When my friend kissed me on my cheek. My heart breaker motioned over repeatedly with his lips puckered for me to give him a kiss as well. Each time I he motioned, I pushed him away. Each time he came closer to me my heart beat faster and there were butterflies in my stomach doing the tango. I wanted to die. This can be viewed as such tiny incident to the spectators around, who are more then likely not even paying attention at all. But everything that I convinced myself that I did not feel anymore I felt. I immediately called my friend who has been my sanity and she explained to me that he thrives off of making people feel uncomfortable. I understand that. But why still do it to me? There is no need to. I want him to ignore me. I want him to forget me. I want him to forget us. And everything that involves me and him. So I can reassure myself that there is no reason for me to have any feelings for him. But when he continued to do things like this, it never fails. He gets the best and worst of me each time. Because there is the little voice in my head that tells me that "he still cares, he actually does love you". Then everything that I am feeling actually seems worth something and I convince myself that I am not dumb for feeling the way that I do.

How do I let go?

Sometimes dreams are just dreams....are they?

I woke up thinking that life is not fair. Now who wakes up with such thoughts... I DO. Its Sunday afternoon, the beginning of a new week then ending of a whole lot of weekend. I woke up from a dream that seemed like my longest dream ever. Which is weird because I always have wild, vivid dreams. But this one, this one was about my "heart breaker". Lately I have been happier, then I have been in two years. Even when I was with the heart breaker I wasn't truly happy, I had a lot of happy moments with him. He brought me to high that no drug could possibly bring me to, but he also brought me to a low more often then I was high.This dream was filled with feelings of reality surfaced around things that would only happen in a dream. My "heart breaker" was getting married to a female which whom in real life he had some recent relations with. In my dream I was hurt, jealous and still in love with him. All of the feelings you would have been reading....if I would have been writing a month earlier. But why now? When I actually had these unhealthy feeling for my unrequited love there was not a dream but now that I am happy he comes in and fucks everything up. I wake up thinking of him. Being hurt by him all over again. When he is not even a factor in my life anymore.

Now I can't help but to think am I really happy or am I masking what I am really feeling inside. And my subconscious just gave me a rude awakening....

So is this love or is this an addiction?

Ms. Clarkson always has a song that sums up what I am feeling..
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Do you believe in life after love?

Finally....I actually feel again. Or let me rephrase that, I feel beyond pain. My body isn't cold anymore. I don't have to be purposely numb. Better yet... I don't want to be purposely numb. I didn't think that I could get my heart out of solitude. "What happens after love?" Is what I kept thinking, hoping that I can answer it myself without looking for the answer in another person's experience. My answer. Life. Life is what happens after love. And that's the realest thing that I have ever learned.
I have a crush but it may be more then a crush. I am not sure yet. I haven't felt this way about someone since my heart breaker. The feelings are not the same like I had for my heart breaker when I first met him. And I am still pretty reluctant on actually liking someone. But I actually catch myself wondering what he is thinking about it and I get butterflies in my stomach when his name pops up on my phone. He's been my friend a little while now. And at first I was just flirting with him with no intentions of doing anything but flirting. But he has come to grow me. He is not intimidated by me (some people are) and I find that to be sexy. But there's a problem. He's stubborn, its almost impossible for him to actually share his feelings and he's everything that I would hate about a person if that person was not my friend.....
What do I do now?